When does concern become clingy?
It's all over red rover with the 20-hour first date guy. We lasted a little under 3 weeks: the first week was good, the 2nd week I was flat out with work and stuff but we stayed in touch by phone, the 3rd week he was away and I didn't really talk to him either, and then I didn't see him again before it was over. So it feels a little weird to have ended it with a guy that I haven't really seen for more than half of the time that we were dating.
But I am interesting in getting other opinions on one aspect of the relationship, being the question I've posed in my subject line: when does concern become clingy?
I've never been the sort of girl that gets called clingy by boyfriends: detached, unavailable and too independant I've got before, never clingy. So it was a little disconcerting to get that one flung in my face this time.
So this is the situation:
We had plans to meet a couple of my friends for lunch on Saturday. It was going to be the first time he'd met any of my friends and as all guys should know, passing the "friends test" is imperative for any relationship with a normal girl to continue. I sent him a text on Friday night (we were at different parties) with the time and place and asked if that was cool with him. No reply by an hour before the time, so I tried to phone his mobile. No answer. Tried again an hour later. Still no answer. Tried again after we'd finished lunch (about 2 hours later). Still no answer.
When I got back home later that evening (about 6 hours after we were supposed to meet), I looked up his home number and tried that. No answer. Still no answer on his mobile either. By this stage, I was starting to get worried. I honestly thought that he would have contacted me if he was going to stand me up. So anyway, I tried texting him again, and this is how the text message conversation went:-
Me: Are you okay? I haven't heard from you and I can't raise you so I'm starting to get really worried!
Him: I'm at xmas party. Take it easy, ok.
Me: You should have called.
Him: Hey this is getting a bit too clingy. I'll have to say see you later.
I won't tell you what my reply to that was. Needless to say, I was happy to call it quits if that was his attitude.
Whether it's a guy I'm seeing, a guy I don't want to see, a friend, an aquaintance or even my arch nemesis, I would never just not turn up for something that had been planned without contacting them. Or if I had missed it inadvertently, contacting them as soon as I remembered/woke up (or whatever his reason for missing lunch was - I never found out). Not leaving it 7 hours and then saying the other person is clingy for being concerned about the lack of contact and being unable to get an answer by phone.
But I really am curious: is this just me and my group? I guess people who are unreliable tend not to stay friends with me because I have limited time and excess demands on the little time I have, so tend to put the people who make an effort at the top of the list. Maybe in other people's worlds, it is quite acceptable to stand someone up with no contact, and quite unacceptable to be concerned if someone you were expecting to see is uncontactable for 9 or 10 hours. To be honest, I don't know. But I would like to.
Thankfully at least 1 of the 2 guys I've put off in the last 3 weeks is still around and interested. Otherwise I'd really be kicking myself! ;o)
Listening to: Brindle - downloads from their website
But I am interesting in getting other opinions on one aspect of the relationship, being the question I've posed in my subject line: when does concern become clingy?
I've never been the sort of girl that gets called clingy by boyfriends: detached, unavailable and too independant I've got before, never clingy. So it was a little disconcerting to get that one flung in my face this time.
So this is the situation:
We had plans to meet a couple of my friends for lunch on Saturday. It was going to be the first time he'd met any of my friends and as all guys should know, passing the "friends test" is imperative for any relationship with a normal girl to continue. I sent him a text on Friday night (we were at different parties) with the time and place and asked if that was cool with him. No reply by an hour before the time, so I tried to phone his mobile. No answer. Tried again an hour later. Still no answer. Tried again after we'd finished lunch (about 2 hours later). Still no answer.
When I got back home later that evening (about 6 hours after we were supposed to meet), I looked up his home number and tried that. No answer. Still no answer on his mobile either. By this stage, I was starting to get worried. I honestly thought that he would have contacted me if he was going to stand me up. So anyway, I tried texting him again, and this is how the text message conversation went:-
Me: Are you okay? I haven't heard from you and I can't raise you so I'm starting to get really worried!
Him: I'm at xmas party. Take it easy, ok.
Me: You should have called.
Him: Hey this is getting a bit too clingy. I'll have to say see you later.
I won't tell you what my reply to that was. Needless to say, I was happy to call it quits if that was his attitude.
Whether it's a guy I'm seeing, a guy I don't want to see, a friend, an aquaintance or even my arch nemesis, I would never just not turn up for something that had been planned without contacting them. Or if I had missed it inadvertently, contacting them as soon as I remembered/woke up (or whatever his reason for missing lunch was - I never found out). Not leaving it 7 hours and then saying the other person is clingy for being concerned about the lack of contact and being unable to get an answer by phone.
But I really am curious: is this just me and my group? I guess people who are unreliable tend not to stay friends with me because I have limited time and excess demands on the little time I have, so tend to put the people who make an effort at the top of the list. Maybe in other people's worlds, it is quite acceptable to stand someone up with no contact, and quite unacceptable to be concerned if someone you were expecting to see is uncontactable for 9 or 10 hours. To be honest, I don't know. But I would like to.
Thankfully at least 1 of the 2 guys I've put off in the last 3 weeks is still around and interested. Otherwise I'd really be kicking myself! ;o)
Listening to: Brindle - downloads from their website
posted by OLS |
Monday, December 12, 2005 | 9:25 am
2 Comments:
His behaviour was unacceptable by any reasonable standard and your response was appropriate. If he cared for you at all, he would have acted differently. Whatever his reason for ending things with you, the "clingy" business was just a pretext. Glad you're through with him before you really invested much in the relationship.
Thanks for your comments guys. It's always nice to get the male perspective on things.
By the way, he doesn't have voicemail on his mobile or an answering machine at home. That was why I kept on ringing back. He usually responded to text messages pretty much straight away, so I figured that, since he hadn't replied to my text, an actual call might get through where a text wasn't. To be honest, the first time I called, I figured I was probably going to wake him up since he told me he often forgets to set his alarm on weekends. *shrugs*
Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but my intention certainly wasn't to restrict him or get clingy in any way. It was initially to find out what he was up to and whether we should wait for him for lunch, and then that night to make sure he was okay - especially since I know he has no family down here and most of his friends live further out of town.
Oh well. These things happen. In the scale of stresses in my life right now, this one rates the lowest.
- OLS
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