Miscommunication
*sigh* My mum and sister-in-law are acting like 2 year olds. And that's a direct quote from my brother, not me. One I happen to agree with mind you.
It seems they had a fight a couple of weeks ago. I don't know the details - I think I've made it pretty clear to both of them that I don't really want to know the details because I don't want to be stuck in the middle of it all. I'm quite happy to talk to them about how to resolve it, but I don't want them complaining about each other to me.
As far as I can see, it pretty much comes down to two things:-
1. They need to sit down and talk to each other about exactly what is bothering them - not just about each other, but in general. Easier said than done, because my bloody mother just says that S hurt her badly and made a very personal attack and she (Mum) doesn't want to go through it again. She just wants to "put it behind them and move on" - problem with that, of course, being that neither of them will actually move on until they've cleared the air. Pfeh! Honestly! *rolls eyes*
2. S needs someone outside of the family that she can complain about the family to. The problem here is that she tries to maintain this pretence that everything is perfect and that she's the perfect mother. No-one can be perfect. And it's bloody hard work to try to be. And so she won't talk to friends about her problems because she's trying to maintain the image. And she doesn't seem to have any friends that she drops the image for. I've suggested to my brother that they should both join one of those support groups for parents of sick kids. That way S will have someone to talk to outside of the family (who will also have some idea of what she's going through) and she can complain to them as much as she likes. Every girl needs a friend who will just make the right sympathetic noises during a bitch session.
Anyway, the immediate problem needs to be resolved by them talking to each other. With no kids and no husbands around. Considering Mum is concerned about talking to S on her own, I've suggested that they get a 3rd party mediator from outside the family to sit in. I've suggested Mum's best friend R or maybe T of T&S fame if they can get down to Brisbane. Or a professional counsellor.
Anyway, onto other things.
I was also called in as a witness this morning to a HR complaint that has been made by one of my ex-colleagues against others of my ex-colleagues. It's basically a bullying complaint. But as part of it, the person making the complaint mentioned in her statement that the people she was complaining about talked derogatively about me behind my back. While it doesn't really surprise me, I didn't know about it (well, it was behind my back) and am a little hurt by it. I knew they were bitchy, but didn't realise they were that bitchy. I'm an upfront person - if something you are doing bothers me, I'll tell you about it. I just don't understand the mentality of bitching behind someone's back about it without telling the person involved. And why is it only girls that seem to do this?
*sigh* I think I need a hug.
Thank god I'm going out with Genie tonight. I can talk through this stuff with her (she's also in government and an expert on bitchy behaviour, having born the brunt of it herself in the past) and she gives great hugs.
And it's a great gig - speedstar supported by Guy Webster (who I absolutely adore) and The Boat People. Three bands I like all in one night. And for free 'cause I won tickets! That's definitely cause for celebration! ;o)
Not sure what I'll get up to for the rest of the weekend - seems like everyone's away this weekend (most of them in Melbourne - bloody AFL grand finals) so I might see what Genie and the Tall Guy are up to and see if I can con them into doing something. Or maybe I can pull the Law Student out of study... that could be fun. Or I could set up a date I suppose. It just seems like too much effort right now though.
Listening to: BrisBand mix of Charles Foster Kane, Dave McCormack, Taxi, The Informants, Guy Webster, Tylea and Brindle.
It seems they had a fight a couple of weeks ago. I don't know the details - I think I've made it pretty clear to both of them that I don't really want to know the details because I don't want to be stuck in the middle of it all. I'm quite happy to talk to them about how to resolve it, but I don't want them complaining about each other to me.
As far as I can see, it pretty much comes down to two things:-
1. They need to sit down and talk to each other about exactly what is bothering them - not just about each other, but in general. Easier said than done, because my bloody mother just says that S hurt her badly and made a very personal attack and she (Mum) doesn't want to go through it again. She just wants to "put it behind them and move on" - problem with that, of course, being that neither of them will actually move on until they've cleared the air. Pfeh! Honestly! *rolls eyes*
2. S needs someone outside of the family that she can complain about the family to. The problem here is that she tries to maintain this pretence that everything is perfect and that she's the perfect mother. No-one can be perfect. And it's bloody hard work to try to be. And so she won't talk to friends about her problems because she's trying to maintain the image. And she doesn't seem to have any friends that she drops the image for. I've suggested to my brother that they should both join one of those support groups for parents of sick kids. That way S will have someone to talk to outside of the family (who will also have some idea of what she's going through) and she can complain to them as much as she likes. Every girl needs a friend who will just make the right sympathetic noises during a bitch session.
Anyway, the immediate problem needs to be resolved by them talking to each other. With no kids and no husbands around. Considering Mum is concerned about talking to S on her own, I've suggested that they get a 3rd party mediator from outside the family to sit in. I've suggested Mum's best friend R or maybe T of T&S fame if they can get down to Brisbane. Or a professional counsellor.
Anyway, onto other things.
I was also called in as a witness this morning to a HR complaint that has been made by one of my ex-colleagues against others of my ex-colleagues. It's basically a bullying complaint. But as part of it, the person making the complaint mentioned in her statement that the people she was complaining about talked derogatively about me behind my back. While it doesn't really surprise me, I didn't know about it (well, it was behind my back) and am a little hurt by it. I knew they were bitchy, but didn't realise they were that bitchy. I'm an upfront person - if something you are doing bothers me, I'll tell you about it. I just don't understand the mentality of bitching behind someone's back about it without telling the person involved. And why is it only girls that seem to do this?
*sigh* I think I need a hug.
Thank god I'm going out with Genie tonight. I can talk through this stuff with her (she's also in government and an expert on bitchy behaviour, having born the brunt of it herself in the past) and she gives great hugs.
And it's a great gig - speedstar supported by Guy Webster (who I absolutely adore) and The Boat People. Three bands I like all in one night. And for free 'cause I won tickets! That's definitely cause for celebration! ;o)
Not sure what I'll get up to for the rest of the weekend - seems like everyone's away this weekend (most of them in Melbourne - bloody AFL grand finals) so I might see what Genie and the Tall Guy are up to and see if I can con them into doing something. Or maybe I can pull the Law Student out of study... that could be fun. Or I could set up a date I suppose. It just seems like too much effort right now though.
Listening to: BrisBand mix of Charles Foster Kane, Dave McCormack, Taxi, The Informants, Guy Webster, Tylea and Brindle.
posted by OLS |
Friday, September 24, 2004 | 10:58 am
2 Comments:
For what it's worth... *hug*
My wife, also a government lawyer like you, was complained about recently, also behind her back, also by a female co-worker. We talked for a long time about the different environments in which we work. As a private firm lawyer, at least in American legal culture, I'm pretty much my own boss and don't really have to play office politics or interact with my fellow lawyers too much. The only time I interact with co-workers is when I talk to my 2 always-friendly bosses, and when I socialize with fellow associate lawyers. Not so for her government job, where all the lawyers are mashed together in one huge group under a single roof, requiring a lot of team effort to get things done. This teamwork has its benefits, but the downside is the inherent level of personal bickering and stupid politics that inevitably comes along with it.
*smiles* Thanks - for both the e-hug and the comments. I think this is something that girls seem to face more often that guys - I had problems with admin people in private practice as well - for some reason many women will happily take orders from guys but expect the women (who are the same rank/position as those same guys) to make less demands on them.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of it came from me coming back from 7 months overseas into my old job (which was kept open for me) and looking a lot more relaxed, being happier and also having dropped maybe 2 dress sizes since they'd last seen me (mainly from carrying a 35kg pack up to 2km per day for the last couple of months). Women generally seem to hate other women who've lost a lot of weight without really trying. *shrugs*
As I said, I wasn't surprised, but it still wasn't really pleasant to have it confirmed.
Anyway, I spoke to my old boss about it - on the basis of whether I should be trying to resolve any issues that these women may have with me as I will be working with them again next year. He doesn't think there's a problem there. As he said, if they really had problems with me, they would have complained to him, and he hasn't heard any complaints. So I'm feeling better about it all now.
And I got a hug from Genie on Friday night - that helped! ;o)
Now if I can just get my Mum and S talking again... *sigh*
- OLS
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